“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.”

—	Albus Dumbledore

So this quote always helps me with my nightmares it helps me get past them hopefully it will help today

Today..

I woke up today feeling almost as bad as yesterday. I told my mom I wasn't feeling well and that I had a fever so I am home. My body is still shaking and tears just won't stop running down my face. But reading helps. As of right now I am reading Doctor Who fan fiction. I am going to get through this although I don't know how long it will take but I will make it. I am so scared to sleep to have the memories come back. I hate how messed up I am. People call me insane because I still let it affect after all these years. But I can't help it at all. In school people think I am so weird, I actually hold conversation with about 5 people total through out the school. Ryan, Cas, Dennis, Ashley, and Amanda. Well others to but they are teachers. I embrace my inner geek, and inner nerd. I am definitely not afraid to be who I am, but aren't people supposed to be accepting and never harsh? Well people always look at me like I am some freak, which I don't mind I like being alone, but still I wish they could accept me for me because then maybe I might not be afraid to go to school or afraid to tell my mom what I really am. Welp I only have one more year of this then on to college and away from this homophobic south... Btw I am pansexual.

Events of yesterday...

I tried to eat steak. I like the taste of steak but always the smell makes me queasy. It remind me of what happened…. and that is what he smelled like… So after I ate it I just went and threw up…. Why does this still affect me? :/ WHY:/ it was so long ago when I was raped but I will never get over it I guess. I will never be able to happily eat steak. My hands are shaking and so is my whole body. I hate this I really do.. I really need someone at my house right now. I am about to freak out. Mom thinks I am being dumb because I am still affected by what happened. So my parents are out of the question. This is overwhelming me…. My nightmares are getting worse… I feel like he is near me and stalking me and touching me… I am really terrified to even sleep or hell even go outside by myself. Why is this happening all over again… . I am tired of feeling like this. When Dennis touched me on the shoulder today I almost cried out, but I held it in. I won’t be able to hid it much more. I can’t take much more. Crowds are starting to scare me again. What is happening to me? Why is it coming back? Why am I so scared….. I am literally sobbing right now.. I might need to just quit… Family tells me to just get over it, but I can’t I am to scared to. Scared of everything. I am so up.. I hate this….. Right now it seems like death is the only release… But I am to scared to do that also…. The blade is calling my name like crazy idk what to do….. 

This is a warning

To my Followers, Mamie, and Hannah
The nightmares we worse than they have been in a few years. I woke up and threw up again because I was freaking out so much. But then I called Mamie and she helped calm me down a little. I am still shaking and still terrified and still feel fucking awful. But I am getting better. and everyone on tumblr is helping so thank you!
I know I rely on tumblr, Mamie, and Hannah for a lot of things. But before I had a tumblr and before I had met either of them I had no one I could really rely on I mean I did have “friends” but I could never tell them what I was going through. So I guess I abuse it now. i realize that I am clingy towards Mamie, I complain a lot to Hannah, and I freak out on here way to much. So I am going to work on that and get where I can handle my own problems again with out causing everyone so much drama and aggravation.  I will work on not complaining , freaking out, and being clingy. I need to learn to deal with my attacks and when this panic takes over by myself. You guys won’t have to deal with how fucked up I am anymore. I thank you for all the times you guys have kept me sane. But I will NOT be a burden anymore to anyone no matter what. I apologize for every time I have freaked. But I will try and make sure none of you guys see how broken I am ever again. I refuse to be a burden. If I put this as a read more not many people will read it. i want all my followers to see it so you guys know that all the drama and crying and every other thing like that will stop.
Thanks everyone
love, Zach

I am going to start posting my doubts and fears here because I do not think anyone looks at it. And sometimes I need a place to vent not tumblr anymore.

Doctor who, Harry Potter, and Glee.

I "fangirl" over many many many things but Glee, Doctor Who, and Harry Potter are the biggest three.


Harry Potter has taught me how to believe in the world and people that love you. "Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." Also that magic can be found everywhere if you look hard enough.

Doctor Who This show has given me hope in the world, and it has shown me to believe in humanity. And that Ignorance is just wrong no matter if a person is are gay, black, alien, timelord, or Dalek. Also it has taught me not to blink not even once.


Glee It has taught me acceptance, and to be who I want to be and not give a damn what others think. I am born this way and nothing I mean NOTHING can change that.

I wrote this today in math. (PLEASE DON'T READ)

Maybe I should just disappear, it’s not like anyone would notice. I am the outcast and no one care. Everyone whispers behind my back, they think because I am listening to my i-pod that I can’t hear them. Well they are wrong I hear everything they say and every time they laugh at me. I feel alone. No one notices when I am upset. No one notices when I cry. I am invisible. I am broken. I am fucked up. Why does no one care?! Why am I the laughing stock? WHY? I’m sitting here in misery and everyone is laughing and not paying one bit of attention to me. It’s line I don’t exist. How can people not notice me? How can they be like this? I need courage but I don’t have any. Book aren’t even helping anymore. I can’t escape anymore it’s gotten so bad :/

Make it stop.

I love the song Make it stop by Rise Against

I love the message that is sends out. I cry almost every time I hear it. But not only is it a message to stop bullying but also a message to those without hope, those with out purpose. I try everyday to go out into the word and decrease the world suck, but most the time I fail miserably. But this song gives me hope that even though the days might suck things WILL get better. That you do affect people’s lives. That you MATTER. That people other than just me are out there trying to make this world better. This song has kept me from cutting, and even suicide. When I am really really depressed I listen to this turned all the way up repeatedly until I feel better. Most everyone I know says I have potential to change this world. But I don’t see that all I see is a fucked up little kid that is trying to make grown up decisions and fail miserably at it. A kid that loves to help but has no idea how to. I kid with major flaws but for some reason everyone believes in him. This kid that is different. A kid that is haunted by his past. A kid that loves music so much. A kid with a dream. A kid that strives to change the world. A kid. Just a kid.