Events of yesterday...

I tried to eat steak. I like the taste of steak but always the smell makes me queasy. It remind me of what happened…. and that is what he smelled like… So after I ate it I just went and threw up…. Why does this still affect me? :/ WHY:/ it was so long ago when I was raped but I will never get over it I guess. I will never be able to happily eat steak. My hands are shaking and so is my whole body. I hate this I really do.. I really need someone at my house right now. I am about to freak out. Mom thinks I am being dumb because I am still affected by what happened. So my parents are out of the question. This is overwhelming me…. My nightmares are getting worse… I feel like he is near me and stalking me and touching me… I am really terrified to even sleep or hell even go outside by myself. Why is this happening all over again… . I am tired of feeling like this. When Dennis touched me on the shoulder today I almost cried out, but I held it in. I won’t be able to hid it much more. I can’t take much more. Crowds are starting to scare me again. What is happening to me? Why is it coming back? Why am I so scared….. I am literally sobbing right now.. I might need to just quit… Family tells me to just get over it, but I can’t I am to scared to. Scared of everything. I am so up.. I hate this….. Right now it seems like death is the only release… But I am to scared to do that also…. The blade is calling my name like crazy idk what to do…..