“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.”

—	Albus Dumbledore

So this quote always helps me with my nightmares it helps me get past them hopefully it will help today

Today..

I woke up today feeling almost as bad as yesterday. I told my mom I wasn't feeling well and that I had a fever so I am home. My body is still shaking and tears just won't stop running down my face. But reading helps. As of right now I am reading Doctor Who fan fiction. I am going to get through this although I don't know how long it will take but I will make it. I am so scared to sleep to have the memories come back. I hate how messed up I am. People call me insane because I still let it affect after all these years. But I can't help it at all. In school people think I am so weird, I actually hold conversation with about 5 people total through out the school. Ryan, Cas, Dennis, Ashley, and Amanda. Well others to but they are teachers. I embrace my inner geek, and inner nerd. I am definitely not afraid to be who I am, but aren't people supposed to be accepting and never harsh? Well people always look at me like I am some freak, which I don't mind I like being alone, but still I wish they could accept me for me because then maybe I might not be afraid to go to school or afraid to tell my mom what I really am. Welp I only have one more year of this then on to college and away from this homophobic south... Btw I am pansexual.

Events of yesterday...

I tried to eat steak. I like the taste of steak but always the smell makes me queasy. It remind me of what happened…. and that is what he smelled like… So after I ate it I just went and threw up…. Why does this still affect me? :/ WHY:/ it was so long ago when I was raped but I will never get over it I guess. I will never be able to happily eat steak. My hands are shaking and so is my whole body. I hate this I really do.. I really need someone at my house right now. I am about to freak out. Mom thinks I am being dumb because I am still affected by what happened. So my parents are out of the question. This is overwhelming me…. My nightmares are getting worse… I feel like he is near me and stalking me and touching me… I am really terrified to even sleep or hell even go outside by myself. Why is this happening all over again… . I am tired of feeling like this. When Dennis touched me on the shoulder today I almost cried out, but I held it in. I won’t be able to hid it much more. I can’t take much more. Crowds are starting to scare me again. What is happening to me? Why is it coming back? Why am I so scared….. I am literally sobbing right now.. I might need to just quit… Family tells me to just get over it, but I can’t I am to scared to. Scared of everything. I am so up.. I hate this….. Right now it seems like death is the only release… But I am to scared to do that also…. The blade is calling my name like crazy idk what to do….. 

This is a warning

To my Followers, Mamie, and Hannah
The nightmares we worse than they have been in a few years. I woke up and threw up again because I was freaking out so much. But then I called Mamie and she helped calm me down a little. I am still shaking and still terrified and still feel fucking awful. But I am getting better. and everyone on tumblr is helping so thank you!
I know I rely on tumblr, Mamie, and Hannah for a lot of things. But before I had a tumblr and before I had met either of them I had no one I could really rely on I mean I did have “friends” but I could never tell them what I was going through. So I guess I abuse it now. i realize that I am clingy towards Mamie, I complain a lot to Hannah, and I freak out on here way to much. So I am going to work on that and get where I can handle my own problems again with out causing everyone so much drama and aggravation.  I will work on not complaining , freaking out, and being clingy. I need to learn to deal with my attacks and when this panic takes over by myself. You guys won’t have to deal with how fucked up I am anymore. I thank you for all the times you guys have kept me sane. But I will NOT be a burden anymore to anyone no matter what. I apologize for every time I have freaked. But I will try and make sure none of you guys see how broken I am ever again. I refuse to be a burden. If I put this as a read more not many people will read it. i want all my followers to see it so you guys know that all the drama and crying and every other thing like that will stop.
Thanks everyone
love, Zach

I am going to start posting my doubts and fears here because I do not think anyone looks at it. And sometimes I need a place to vent not tumblr anymore.

Doctor who, Harry Potter, and Glee.

I "fangirl" over many many many things but Glee, Doctor Who, and Harry Potter are the biggest three.


Harry Potter has taught me how to believe in the world and people that love you. "Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." Also that magic can be found everywhere if you look hard enough.

Doctor Who This show has given me hope in the world, and it has shown me to believe in humanity. And that Ignorance is just wrong no matter if a person is are gay, black, alien, timelord, or Dalek. Also it has taught me not to blink not even once.


Glee It has taught me acceptance, and to be who I want to be and not give a damn what others think. I am born this way and nothing I mean NOTHING can change that.

I wrote this today in math. (PLEASE DON'T READ)

Maybe I should just disappear, it’s not like anyone would notice. I am the outcast and no one care. Everyone whispers behind my back, they think because I am listening to my i-pod that I can’t hear them. Well they are wrong I hear everything they say and every time they laugh at me. I feel alone. No one notices when I am upset. No one notices when I cry. I am invisible. I am broken. I am fucked up. Why does no one care?! Why am I the laughing stock? WHY? I’m sitting here in misery and everyone is laughing and not paying one bit of attention to me. It’s line I don’t exist. How can people not notice me? How can they be like this? I need courage but I don’t have any. Book aren’t even helping anymore. I can’t escape anymore it’s gotten so bad :/

Make it stop.

I love the song Make it stop by Rise Against

I love the message that is sends out. I cry almost every time I hear it. But not only is it a message to stop bullying but also a message to those without hope, those with out purpose. I try everyday to go out into the word and decrease the world suck, but most the time I fail miserably. But this song gives me hope that even though the days might suck things WILL get better. That you do affect people’s lives. That you MATTER. That people other than just me are out there trying to make this world better. This song has kept me from cutting, and even suicide. When I am really really depressed I listen to this turned all the way up repeatedly until I feel better. Most everyone I know says I have potential to change this world. But I don’t see that all I see is a fucked up little kid that is trying to make grown up decisions and fail miserably at it. A kid that loves to help but has no idea how to. I kid with major flaws but for some reason everyone believes in him. This kid that is different. A kid that is haunted by his past. A kid that loves music so much. A kid with a dream. A kid that strives to change the world. A kid. Just a kid. 

Fahrenheit 451 Pages 140-168

Montag follows the train tracks. He sees a fire, now this fire is different, this fire looks warm and it looks like hoboe are around it. He walks up and hears a tv. on the tv he sees a fake him get killed. Then the men introduce them selves. They are called the book people. after the death Granger turns to Montag and ironically remarks, “Welcome back to life.” All these men are professors of colleges. Montag finds out that They memorize books its easier than copying them. this means that montag has a place in life a place where he is truly free. Where he can be himself with out people judging a place where he is truly happy.. The book ends with an atomic bomb being dropped and destroying the town

http://stores.mychildsbookshelf.com/-strse-407/Hunger-Games,-Catching-Fire,/Detail.bok
http://www.leakylounge.com/index.php?showtopic=64091

Fahrenheit 451 pages 126-140

After meeting at Fabers house he decided to head to the river and swim away there. He was astounded when he saw on tv the Mechanical hound kill another in his place. none the less they were still looking.
He made it to the river. This river is like a baptism, once old now new. When he came out on the other side of the river he was in a new lane one that he had never seen before. farms and farms everywhere..

http://www.bohol.ph/picture463.html

Fahrenheit 451 pages 113-125

This is where the climax starts. As his wife leaves Beatty tells Mointag to burn the books but not just the book but also the house.
When Beatty finds out about the ear peice and says he will trace it, that is Montags shining moment. That is when he hatches out of his cocoon. When he becomes the beautiful butterfly of rebellion. Upon hearing this Montag turns his flamthrower on beatty killing him and the hound. This is a euphoric moment for the readers as montag totally defies the government but killing Beatty and going on the run. He even evades the second Mechanical hound. He goes to fabers house. Grabs clothes and Tells Faber to get out now! with the hound on the trail it is kind of hard to evade it forever. The governmetn does something ingenious they tell everyone to look out the window and look for him. Which breings to my attention why doesn't out government do that? It seems kind of a very smart thing to do.\

http://www.thecleanestline.com/backyard-adventures/

Fahrenheit 451 pages 91- 110

He meets this guy named Faber. Who like himself breaks the law by having books. Montag is afraid to go back out there because he does not think that he could handle and attack by Beatty. So Faber gives him this device that Montag puts in his ear. This device lets Montag hear Faber as he just reads to him. The fact that Montag is afraid of another fight with Beatty is a little foreshadowing.

As he gets home he sees his wifes friends there. He the proceeds to read to them. At this point one realizes just how deep this transformation is going. He wants to spread the word about books he wants others to read. This is another pivotal point in the book. Books are like a whole new world to him.
Beatty comes to his house and says that it has been 24 hours. Montag refuses to give up books

http://angiesbooknook.blogspot.com/2010/12/discover-joy-of-reading-reading-aloud.html

Fahrenheit 451 pages 71-91

Montag reads but not only to him but to his wife!!! He was not understanding either, but he somehow knew that Books held the answer. So he HAD to find someone to help. The choice that he is soon to make will result in major events. Also the Planes are being mentioned more and more. I wonder what it means. He goes and finds a guy named faber who like fhim is also breaking the law by holding books.

http://www.manishpandey.com/2007/top-10-fighter-plane-pictures/

Fahrenheit 451 62-68

This is the end of part one. While most book has chapters this one does not. It is composed up into three parts.
The Hearth and the salamander
The Sieve and sand
Burning bright

Well Beatty has just given him A  LOT to think about. This new information will be the deciding factor in What is to come. This information that BEatty has given him not only totally changes everything that he has ever thought. This is what pushes him over into rebellion. This is what helps him decide whether to turn in the books. Beatty gave him  a day to burn the book. That was the big mistake that he made. He did not know it would back fire.

Fahrenheit 451 pages 43-52

Montag has now fully indulged himself in his cocoon of transformation. While this maybe, once a person has realized that their life is shit then they can never go back to the blissful ignorance that they once were in.

So Montag sets out to change this to find a way to fix it to have a change of heart. What could it be? How can he find it? This decision is having such an effect on him that he has gotten sick. and this sickness is the reason that he finds out the truth. Will captain Beatty have the answers? Why is he here? Will he find the books?

Farhenheit 451 pages pages 37-41

This is the first pivotal point in Montags transformation. This is where he sees a suicide. This suicide forever alters him. It is like a caterpillar that has finally started his making his cocoon. Montag does not even realize that he is transforming all he knows is that he has doubts and these doubts are growing. He even goes as far as to grab a book from the pile... Maybe he will read it? Maybe he won't?
http://true-wildlife.blogspot.com/2011/02/caterpillar.html

Fahrenheit 451 Quote Page58

"We must all be alike. Not everyone born free and equal, as the Constitution says, but everyone made equal. Each man the image of every other; then all are happy, for there are nomountains to make them cower, to judge themselves against. So a book is a loaded gun un the house. Burn it. Take the shot from the weapon. Breach the man's mind" -pg 58

Beatty and the superiors of the country believe individualism  is a disease. They believe that it create civil unrest. That with books no one can be happy. That everyone should be alike, if so then maybe just maybe everyone can be happy and content. That means no uprisings, no doubt, just totalitarian control. In essence they are using mind control to keep people happy. They try and trample out the individual person, the less a person can think free the better. The human mind is being filled with quick flashes, fast thrills. Everything is fast and short. This hinders the mind from thinking, from becoming and individual. But their are those that even with all the heavy influence of anti-individual they still are free thinkers. Those that do think freely are quickly squashed out.

Fahrenheit 451 pages 38- 63

Montag's life is falling apart around him. First Clarisse, now He watch a lady burn herself alive. Montag is wanting to rebel against all of this censorship. He is now doubting why the books are burned, why everything is happening. He is asking the question that the government has been trying to eliminate, WHY? Then Captain Beatty comes his house to talk to him, to explain all of these emotions he is feeling. Beatty explains in extreme details about the country, censorship, firemen, and making people happy. This has the exact opposite affect on Montag. He then starts to question even more. He starts to wonder what are in the books, he wants to read them. This little seed that Clarisse put into his head is now starting to grow and is now in the baby stages. He is now not only thinking but he has realized that he is truly unhappy. He wants this unhappiness to change, so he is starting to search for ways to change it. The only thing that he knows to go to are the things the he sets out to burn every night, books. What in will he find in these books? Where will they lead him? What path shall he choose?

Fahrenheit 451 pages 1-36 date: August 10, 2011

When the book starts out the very first line is "It was a pleasure to burn." It is surereal to think that it doesn't even bother him that he is burning people's hopes, people's imaginations, and people's dreams. He is willing killing what some people hold most dear, books.
It is almost immediately obvious that this book is about censorship. Reading is against the law, Unless it is something the government gives you.
Montag is astonished when he sees Clarisse. In the society that this book is about you do not have imagination. It is very frowned upon. SO of course when Montag meets a free thinker like Clarisse he does not know what to make of her.But little did he know that she was setting little seeds of curiosity in his subconscious that would soon blossom into something he would have never imagined that could happen.Because of Clarisse He realized that he was not happy, that this whole time he had been putting on a facade. He had even been hiding it from himself. How could Clarisse see through him that easily, especially in the society that they live in?

  http://lovemedos.blogspot.com/2011/02/love-token-84-books-are-my-dearest.html

My first post

This blog is for Mrs Hernandez, I will post homework and other such items on it